Lactivism or Bullying?

Okay, that's it: I try to stay neutral on the issue of breastfeeing. I've pointed out, on many occasions, that yes, "breast is best" for baby, but that there are many times when it may not be best for Mom, or for the family as a whole. As of righ tnow, though, I've just about had it.

In recent years, breastfeeding's benefits have been much touted, and hospitals - at least in my experience - are now pushing breastfeeding as hard as they once pushed formula. Formula samples are banned from some hospitals. "Nurse-ins" are being organized anywhere a breastfeeding mom may have felt slighted. Sometimes these are legitimate concerns of unfair treatment, but sometimes it is - quite frankly - a case where Mom got herself into a snit over a look that she didn't like. Before anyone takes me to task for not supporting breastfeeding mothers, let me state: I wholeheartedly support a breastfeeding mom's right to feed a baby anywhere he/she needs to be fed. If you choose to continue breastfeeding into toddlerhood, good for you, but at that point, the child doesn't NEED to be breastfed immediately anymore than they NEED to have a sandwich at the exact moment they demand it. You do not need to nurse a two or three-year-old in the middle of a department store, or IN a public pool. But that's another rant.

I've been a very outspoken opponent of the Mommy Wars. Most of us do the very best that we can for our children, and our families, and we work damned hard to do it. Working out of the home, working AT home, stay at home... none of it is easy, but we do it because THAT IS WHAT WORKS FOR OUR FAMILY, and it is no one else's business why we "choose" the path that we do.

But with all of the emphasis now placed on breastfeeding, baby feeding has become one of the hottest issues in the Mommy Wars. Breastfeeding moms often feel that they don't get enough support, and "lactivists" claim that with the right support, almost any mom can and should be breastfeeding. They will usually use the caveat of "if there's no medical reason why she can't" but the inference is that true medical excuses are few and far between. Anything else is just irresponsible parenting.

Why have I gotten my knickers in a knot over this now, you may ask? My youngest is nearly 28 months old, and the bottles have long since been kicked to the curb. I will never again feel the frustration that comes with wanting to breastfeed, but simply not being able to, for reasons I have already explained on this blog - you can read about it here, if you haven't already.

It was this article and the follow-up here that got me into an uproar. It wasn't the articles, though: those are just musings on the economics of baby feeding by a soon-to-be first-time mom, for a FINANCIAL website. It's the comments that got me. The first ones encouraged the woman to breastfeed, because it's the better option for baby. Fine. Nothing new there. Then comments like these began to appear:

• There is no debate about it: breast-feeding is best for babies. It is also best for mothers. The better deal, by a longshot, is breast-feeding. Anyone who can do this for their child absolutely should. Period. The benefits to the child are absolutely tremendous, and they last for years. It would be foolish to choose differently, if the choice is yours. Irresponsible article!
• Generally, formula is for the "too posh to push brigade."
• Why even write an article confusing expecting mothers when breastmilk is 99% better for the child. Why not do what is best for the child instead of most convenient for the mother. Maybe this woman shouldn't be having a child.
• If you're able to breastfeed but think it's just too inconvenient for you, you're not a real mother. You're just a robot with a bottle. Why not just hand your kid over to the commune and pick him up when he's 4, after all the baby-raising inconvenience is over?

So much for supporting other moms. By the way, all of the spelling and grammar mistakes in those quotes belong to the nutjobs who wrote them, not to me.

I will say this ONE LAST TIME (yeah, right...): what is important is that a baby is loved, cared for, and fed, NOT how they are fed. I will not stand for new mothers being bullied and ridiculed into ANY feeding choice (or diapering choice, or work-situation choice, or sleeping choice, and on and on, ad NAUSEUM.) You made your choice with your children, now SHUT UP about it. People who try to make themselves feel better about their choices by belittling others are just showing how low their self-esteem really is.

Advice I Never Give to Parents-to-Be That I Wish Someone Had Given to Me

I was at a baby shower today for a long-time friend (she's not my "OLDEST" friend, as she likes to point out.) She mentioned that women have a tendency to tell all of their pregnancy, labour and delivery horror stories to moms-to-be. This is something I've never understood. Yes, you need to know what a "typical" labour is like, and you want to be prepared for any eventuality, but does a first-time mom really need to hear about your 4 days of back labour, your 47 stitches to repair your nether regions or the emergency c-section that you had with a bad epidural? No, she really doesn't. The idea of labour is scary enough to most moms-to-be without putting the worst case scenario in their heads.

However, after this, she also mentioned all of the unsolicited advice that people give out about childrearing. My favourite of these come from people with no children of their own. And of course usually whatever they tell you conflicts with the last person to grant you some of their wisdom. You really learn how to just tune it all out with a polite nod and smile. (Or, if you're in a really evil mood, you can agree with them and even egg them on without them realizing that you're mocking them.)

There are things, though, that I wish someone HAD told me before I had my first baby.

1. No matter what the nurses tell you, unless your baby has a serious medical concern you do NOT have to wake the baby at night to feed it. The idea here is for the baby to sleep THROUGHOUT the night. The baby will NOT starve if it sleeps through one feeding. You, on the other hand, will greatly benefit from any stretch of sleep that the child will grant you.
2. Babies don't break easily. In fact, they're pretty darned resilient.
3. When you get home from the hospital, you will stare at your sleeping child in wonder - and wonder how the hell any responsible adult let you take this little person home when you haven't got a CLUE what to do now.
4. If you're planning to bottle feed, the bottles rarely come with the right speed nipples for a newborn. Nipples that are too fast will cause an alarming amount of spit-up.
5. If you're planning to breastfeed, learn about it before the baby arrives. Read a book, watch a video, talk to a lactation consultant, anything. Just don't assume that it's natural, and therefore as easy as "Baby, meet boob." That is a surefire course to sore nipples and a whole lot of tears.
6. Whether you plan to bottle feed or breastfeed, you will face criticism. Develop a thick skin NOW. Know that you're doing what is best for your family and be strong in your decision.
7. Not every mom feels that immediate, overwhelming bond. It doesn't mean that you won't fall madly in love with your child, it just sometimes takes a while to set in, and that's okay.
8. No matter how hard you try, you will never feel like a good enough parent. It just means you care.

What are some of the things that you wish someone had told you about being a parent?

Thrush - It Ain't Just a Songbird

It's one of those fun things that no one mentions when they talk about the importance of breastfeeding: THRUSH. Sore, bleeding, cracked nipples? Sure, they mention that. Milk leaking through your clothes? Check. Supply issues? The football hold? You know all about that! But does anyone ever mention the possibility of a yeast infection on your boobs? Or in your baby's mouth???

A friend from university, and a fellow mom-blogger, Jenn, tweeted today about her youngest developing thrush, and it brought it ALL back for me.

I was desperately trying to breastfeed my second daughter, despite my breast reduction surgery. We had finally gotten a rhythm of some nursing, some bottle-feeding when she suddenly stopped wanting to nurse altogether. I was certain that she had just develped a preference for the bottle, and I was sunk, and I was absolutely inconsolable over it. It was only when I took her to the walk-in clinic for something else that the doctor saw the tell-tale white mouth.

Because I was breastfeeding AND bottle feeding it was much more complicated. When there are bottles and/or pacifiers involved you have to boil them after every use until the thrush treatment is over, and then THROW OUT every single one, because if the yeast gets back into the baby's mouth, the thrush comes back. At the time we had Avent bottles, and a set of two nipples was nearly ten dollars, so to replace ten of them was just... horrific.

But there's more! The treatment is for baby AND mom, so anything that touches mom's nipples, clothing-wise, has to be washed in hot water and bleach. So much for the new mom "it's sort of clean" idea. Every time you wear something, it has to go through the laundry. Just what you need when the house looks like a cyclone hit it.

So what does thrush look like? Have you ever seen those white spots of mold on cheese? Yeah, like that, in your baby's mouth. At first it's very hard to tell the difference between thrush and milk residue on the inside of the mouth, but as it gets worse, it's pretty gross. Plus, milk residue will scrape off, thrush won't. In terms of what you might see on your nipples, well, I've never been all that sure, but apparently doctors can tell. All I know is that they ITCHED!

There are generally two treatments for thrush: one involves yeast-fighting ointments for you, and yeast-fighting drops for baby. You have to put the ointment on your nipples a few times a day, and be careful to wash it off before you feed the baby again. The baby gets these icky yellow drops that they will invariably spit out all over everywhere, and they stain, just so you know. The medication is called "Nystatin", although personally I'd suggest that you also ask for an oral medication for yourself called "Diflucan".

The other treatment possibility is called "Gentian Violet." It was the most commonly used treatment until recent years. It's a purple liquid that you dab on your nipples and inside baby's mouth (although Dr. Newman says that you can just put it on your nipples, then let the baby feed and it will transfer to baby's mouth that way). The great thing about this treatment is that it only takes about 3-4 days to work, and in my experience, it actually worked better. I've heard people say that it stains clothing, but in my case it washed out fairly easily, much more easily than the spit-out Nystatin drops.

The only problem is that these days it is NOT easy to find. I ended up having to find a pharmacy that did compounding, since apparently it's used for compounding certain medications. So you can try pharmacies in or near medical centres. I suggested to Jenn that she contact her midwives, and they could tell her where to get it, and apparently that worked. I'm not sure that conventional doctors would know, to be honest, although I'm sure that some would.

Thrush isn't fun, but it doesn't have to spell the end of your breastfeeding relationship AT ALL, so don't let anyone tell you that! In fact, it's probably easier to deal with if you are exclusively breastfeeding, since you don't have the bottle nipple/pacifier issues to contend with. KellyMom has lots of information about thrush here.

Some Adults Should Be Seen and Not Heard

Ahhh... the supermodel: vessel of female perfection in all of her glory. Don't we all just LOVE them?

And don't we all just LOVE how they're back on the catwalk mere weeks after giving birth?

And most especially, don't we just LOVE how after one child, they're suddenly an expert on EVERYTHING to do with parenting?

To Gisele Bundchen: Climbing Up the Slide would like to officially tell you to SHUT YOUR TRAP!

Now, this is not normally like me. For the most part, I want us all to parent the way that we feel is best, be free to do what works for our families, and to live and let live.

In this case, I feel that I am allowed to be a little less "Kum by ya" about the whole thing.

Gisele Bundchen, famous for parading around in teeny scraps of cloth, is now an expert on labour, childbirth and breastfeeding. She had a natural home-birth. Bully for her. If that's your thing, by all means, you should do it! I have no issues here, except that she's rather smug about it. Still...

It's her opinion on breastfeeding that has me seeing red: "I think breastfeeding really helped [her to regain her stick figure]. Some people here think they don't have to breastfeed, and I think, 'Are you going to give chemical food to your child, when they are so little?'

"There should be a worldwide law, in my opinion, that mothers should breastfeed their babies for six months."

WHA-HUH???

Gisele, sweetheart, HUSH! When did women become slaves? When did we lose the right to CHOOSE how to be a mother? What exactly would be the penalty for breaking such a law? Hard labour? (Oh, I crack myself up sometimes - get it? Hard LABOUR???)

Should women breastfeed if it's possible? Yes, sure. We've ALL heard that it's best, ad nauseum, but some women just plain aren't able to, for physical or emotional reasons. I have seen many moms with PPD who stop out of frustration and depression that things aren't going along swimmingly for them. Should they be thrown in jail? Have their children taken away? Forced to live in a depressed state, hating themselves and their babies because of depression?

Maybe I shouldn't have been allowed to have kids, since I had a breast reduction and was only able to produce a fraction of the breast milk that my children needed to, you know, live and all.

Don't get me wrong: I am glad that the pendulum is swinging back towards breast is best, but sometimes as a parent, second-best isn't so bad, either. If there is any mom (or dad) out there who ALWAYS does the best thing for their child, I'd like to meet them and bow down at their self-righteous feet, because every parent that I know does the best thing as often as they can, but sometimes just has to settle for second- (or third-) best. We are people, too, and having a child doesn't change our right to do what's best for US, as well. We just have to figure out who "wins" at any given time when what's best for them, and what's best for us, is different.

So back to Gisele: I say, go back to standing around in your underwear. At least in print ads we don't have to listen to you.

A Good Organization for Durham Region Parents

Last night I attended my first meeting of WiseParent. To quote from their mission statement:

WiseParent is a coalition of parents, individuals and organizations with a concern for the care and well-being of mothers, babies and families. We seek to assist the development of families through evidence-based wellness and prevention models.


WiseParent promotes understanding and respect among professionals and individuals regarding current standards of care and informed health decision-making; while empowering families through advocacy and education.

They offer free workshops and programs. I'm going to one on ear infections this Wednesday night. Check out the website for a listing of current offerings.

Formula = Rat Poison... No, Really!

I've already told my breastfeeding story. Every mom has story, one way or the other. Some struggle for a long time, but finally come out victorious with a story of exclusive breastfeeding. Some get the hang of it with no problems. Some exclusively pump. Some just can't physically do it. Some just plain don't want to.

Another study is coming out now saying that if 90% of moms in the US breastfed exclusively for at least six months, the lives of 900 babies would be saved, and billions of dollars (I'm assuming this is in healthcare costs) would be saved, as well.

I love how all the way through the article they go on and on about how important it is to breastfeed, and all of the horrible things that happen to babies and children because of formula, but at the very end of the article there's this one little paragraph:

Dr. Larry Gray, a University of Chicago pediatrician, called the analysis compelling and said it’s reasonable to strive for 90 per cent compliance. But he also said mothers who don’t breastfeed for six months shouldn’t be blamed or made to feel guilty, because their jobs and other demands often make it impossible to do so.

I understand how important it is to breastfeed your baby. I understand how much of an uphill battle it's been to convince moms to go back to breastfeeding when in a lot of cases their own mothers didn't. I'm tired, though, of all of the guilt. I'm tired of thinking that any illness my child gets is because I didn't breastfeed enough. I'm tired of feeling that my kids would have higher IQs if I had breastfed more (and believe me, no one wants them to have higher IQs - they're scary already). I'm tired of being told I don't have a good enough bond with my kids because they didn't breastfeed enough. I'm tired of feeling guilty for having a surgery that was strictly for my own benefit, that resulted in my not being able to exclusively breastfeed. It's all so insulting.

There needs to be a better way of encouraging moms to breastfeed without insinuating that they're bad mothers if they don't. 

Breastfeeding - anytime, anywhere?

I wasn't able to exclusively breastfeed my kids. I'll elaborate on that in another article I'm planning, but it was a physical issue, and as much as I wanted to, it wasn't going to happen. However, I really did want to. I have no issue with breastfeeding moms, and I proudly support those moms who have had to fight for their rights to nurse in public.

However, some things kind of take it a bit too far, in my opinion. A woman in Newmarket, Ontario, just received a public apology after she was asked to leave the stairs of a public (although privately-owned) pool for breastfeeding her 20-month old while sitting there chatting with friends.

This wouldn't bother me on the pool deck. It's the fact that she was actually IN the pool. My guess is that she couldn't get her daughter calmed down, maybe she wanted out of the pool, and mom didn't want to stop talking, so it was just easier to nurse her than to get out and stop talking.

In other NIP disputes I've heard where people told the nursing moms to feed the baby in the bathroom, and the argument is, would you want to eat in a public restroom? So isn't the same argument applicable here? Would YOU want to eat in a public pool? Would you be okay if someone sat down with a sandwich and started eating in the pool you were swimming in?

The fact is that if you want to say that nursing babies should be treated the same as anyone else who needs to eat, then shouldn't they have to follow the same rules? Even nursing on the pool deck is technically pushing it, but for the sake of compromise I think this should be considered okay. You can't even say that the child NEEDED to eat right at that moment. This was not an infant, this was a 20-month old toddler. I don't care that the child was still nursing at 20 months old, but you cannot convince me that at that point you HAVE to feed them on demand.

Breast milk may be sterile, but it doesn't mean that others want to swim in it. I know that it's not necessarily true that any breast milk would have ended up in the water, but what if the mom had a really active letdown?

The other issue is would you really want your child eating in a public pool? I mean, breast milk in the water is really the least of the problems. What else is in that water? Chemicals, bodily fluids, bacteria? And now that's on you, so you child is ingesting it off your body. Ick.

Thoughts?