You Don't Know What You Think You Know

I love Twitter. I have become an absolute Tweetaholic. It reminds me of when I first "met" a lot of moms on the BabyCenter message boards. It also gives me an outlet for my obsession with a certain boy band, but that's another article for a different blog!

On Twitter, I'm now following probably over 150 other parents, and what's great is there are just as many of them that have parenting philosophies radically different from mine as there are who think in a similar way to me. I know that when I log on, I'm going to laugh knowingly, be angry in solidarity, be challenged and sometimes made downright angry. Many, if not all of these parents are bloggers as well, and I try to read as many articles as I reasonably can.

So it wasn't unusual for me to click a link in a post about a week ago. What was unusual, for me, was what happened next. I saw a blog that I hadn't seen before. The person who "tweeted" the link was a 17-year-old teen mom. Up until then I'd been pretty impressed with her. She'd obviously taken her job as a mom very seriously and was very devoted to her son. I knew she had some pretty strong opinions, but I'm not against people being opinionated, so it was all right.

At least, until she posted this link. It wasn't her own blog. It was the blog of a mom who had adopted a little girl after a long battle with infertility, only to then get pregnant and have another little girl. The two girls were five months apart in age. This particular blog entry was about her "sleep training" the two girls. She apparently brought in a professional to help get the girls to sleep through the night.

I'm not going to get into my opinions on the infamous "cry it out" (CIO) approach. That's not the point of this. What I was shocked by were her comments to this mom, and how proud she was of them. She was outright rude and MEAN. For example:

If you couldn't stand not sleeping then you shouldnt of adopted or tried so dam hard to have a baby. I am a teen mom and I even no better than to let my son cry his brains out. Keep your promise to the birth mother and take care of that child. Dont let the poor baby feel like it has no body.

 And after the mom responded to her hateful comments, she replied with:

its sad how you adopt a child but cannot make sure that child gets the absolute best. isnt that why the child was up for adoption? to get the very best? you seem to be uncomfortable with knowing your adoptive child is adopted. Maybe thats why you take it out on your own child and let her cry for 2 hours? sleep schedules only work because that baby learns that no one is coming. babies dont know time. 20 minutes to them is forever.
no bottles? no boobie? dont you go to sleep with some kind of comfort? but your child has to go to sleep all by herself with nothing to comfort them? horrible.

 I couldn't just let it go. Despite being quite opinionated myself, I try very hard not to personally attack anyone over their beliefs. So I responded to her, both on the blog, and on Twitter. She and I ended up in quite a fight that day.

She kept telling me that no matter what, her opinions will never change, and she will never think that she was wrong. She told me that judgement was a part of life. She said that "everyone is rude. it's human nature."

And so, now that I've had time to cool down from that "conversation", here is my response.

An Open Letter to All Parents

Dear Mom and/or Dad:

We all have opinions. Some of us are stronger in our convictions than others. Some parents read everything they can get their hands on, all of the newest research, before making any decisions. Some go mostly by instinct. The vast majority of parents are doing the very best that they can, given their family situation, their mental and physical health and that of their children, their finances, their education... There are just so many factors in our personal parenting philosophy.

But smart parents know one thing: when it comes right down to it, we KNOW very little. We estimate, we guess, we hope, but we DON'T KNOW. One expert says that CIO is child abuse, another says that science shows it not to be as cruel as it may seem. Breastfeeding raises IQs and increases overall health, so obviously formula babies are going to be stupid and sick? Nursing in public is rude and gross, or it's completely natural. Babies should be worn or held as much as possible, or it's okay for them to cry once in a while, so that mom can make dinner or do something for one of her other children.

We make decisions every minute of every day, and whether we like to admit it or not, we make judgements about other parents based on our own personal philosophy.

Those judgements, though, except in extreme cases, should be kept private. There is no honour in being "right." You will not get a parenting medal. Just like the fact that no one will give you awards for having a "natural" childbirth versus opting for an epidural, no one will laud you for suffering through years of a child who wakes up every hour, rather than trying to help them learn to sleep.

We do what we can, as parents, and for most of us, it's an ever-changing experience. In my post Things I Used to Judge Other Moms for Until I had More than One Kid I talked about how much my thinking had changed on a lot of issues since I had my first "perfect" baby. You see things a lot differently when you have two or three (or four or more) CHILDREN running around, than you do when you have one sleeping angel in an infant carrier. You change and mature as you get older, no matter how old you were when you first became "Mom" or "Dad."

I feel sorry for anyone who thinks they know it all: there is so much to learn in this world, and you're missing out on it because you already "know" so you don't need to listen to anyone else.

It's great that you're confident in your parenting. I wish we could all feel like that. Truly, though, when I see someone lash out at someone else's decision-making as a parent, I see someone who doesn't feel nearly as confident as they want the world to believe.

Judging others may be "a part of life", but emotional attacks don't have to be.

PS - You can follow me on Twitter @8thCyn

Elimination Communication: Parent-Baby Bonding or Parent Training?

I remember hearing about Elimination Communication for the first time. I admit, my first thought: “Don't you mean parent training?” I wrote it off as one of those crunchy mom things that I would just never understand, but hey – more power to them, I thought sceptically. It's one of those attachment parenting techniques that just aren't me.

The first up-close experience that I had with EC was when we had dinner with a friend of my husband, his wife, and their baby girl who was 2 months younger than my younger daughter. Their family is very much “crunchy”, but although I might have expected cloth diapers, I didn't expect to see a five-month old baby wearing underwear. I thought it was kind of cute, but I sure wasn't about to give up my... well, her diapers. On a side note, our friends now have a son as well, but I don't know if they continue to use EC techniques.

The idea still intrigues me, though, so I've read about it on and off. There are entire website dedicated to it. Likely the most popular is Diaper-Free Baby. There you can read about techniques such as how to hold an infant over the toilet (which I imagine must be somewhat of a challenge), links to local support groups and an online store in which you can purchase underwear that will actually fit an infant (not readily available at Wal-Mart, I must say!)

There is also a list of 75 benefits of EC. Now, I have to say, I find some of them a bit of a stretch, but some do make sense. Here's a sample:

Reason # 1: Reduces irritation of baby's skin
Reason #2: Reduces risk of diaper rash
Reason #3: Keeps chemicals off baby's skin

I think that, in all fairness, counting these as 3 different reasons is cheating a bit, but still, you can't deny that it is true. No diapers, obviously no diaper rash. For babies who have really sensitive skin, it certainly wouldn't hurt to try.

The environmental reasons are also very hard to argue with:

Reason #20: Reduces the use of disposable diapers, a major contributor to landfill.
Reason #21: Reduces the use of water and detergents used to wash cloth diapers.
Reason #22: Reduces the use of disposable wipes used to clean baby’s bottom.
Reason #23: Reduces use of plastic bags used to individually wrap dirty disposable diapers.

Some of the other reasons, in my honest opinion, are a little out there, such as:

Reason #16: Fosters greater security in a baby: “Mommy and Daddy listen to what I am saying and respond to my needs.”

Yes, babies need to feel secure, but I'm not sure that I believe that they care all that much whether they go in a diaper or on the toilet.

Reason #53: EC is “family focused.” It benefits the entire family rather than being solely “child centered” like conventional toilet training.

Umm... how is it family-focused? Perhaps I just need an explanation? To me it seems like you would spend more time focused on the baby's signals, thus giving you less time to focus on your other children (if you have any) and spouse.

For the most part, though, the reasons that the site gives do make sense, and the parent testimonials certainly seem enthusiastic (not that they're likely to put testimonials from family for whom EC didn't work). I don't know how it could possibly work full-time with 3 other kids, but the one thing I liked about the DiaperFree Baby website is that they pointed out that you don't need to practice EC full-time. According to them, it can also be beneficial in the long-term to even try it once in a while. The idea is that using the toilet just becomes second-nature to the baby, so you don't have to “train” them as toddlers.

I have to admit, the more I read, the more tempted I am to just try it and see what happens. (Although I can guarantee that Baby J would be still wearing his diapers, I'd just try to reduce the number of them that we use.) I'm curious to hear if anyone else has tried it, and how it went. I am not a crunchy momma by any means, but after four straight years of diapers, and still having my two older kids in pull-ups at night, the idea of reducing the number of diapers we use (and have to change!) sounds awfully appealing.

I still don't see EC becoming the norm in North America. Without having tried it, my guess is that most parents don't have the time, or don't want to spend the time it would take to learn the baby's signals. It's one thing to recognize the signal that the baby wants to eat, or has already "eliminated" but I still question the idea of a baby being able to signal that they NEED to go (especially when it comes to pee).

I suppose you can't know unless you try it for yourself, though!