Hello, Hello... Is There Anybody Out There?

I've been "Mom" since just before I turned 25. Before then, being alone in the house was never a big deal. I grew up with just my mom, so I was used to solitude. Our house was a very quiet one, even when both of us were there, but the older I got in my teens, the less often that happened anyway.

The last summer before I went to university, my grandfather was dying and my mom basically moved in to his apartment to take care of him. I stayed home, working at my summer job.

My husband and I were married for almost four years before our oldest joined the family. Although we were together a lot, there were occasions when one of us was out for a while.

It's something you take for granted, before you have kids. The ability to just BE. No one asking you to do anything. No one complaining over what you watch on television. You can listen to whatever music you want. You can sit and read a book and no one interrupts.

Tonight, for the first time in a long time, I am in the house... ALONE. My husband and kids are spending the night at his parents' place on the lake, visiting with our nephews who are here for a few weeks. Because I have to work tomorrow, it just made more sense for me to not join them. And so I'm here. In the house. By myself.

I actually went to the gym straight after work, and did a good, long workout, feeling absolutely no guilt about not being home to help out, because there was no one at home waiting for me. Then I came home, ate my dinner, such as it was, and watched television while playing online. All at a time when normally I'd be begging my three-year-old to stay in his bed.

But now I'm starting to wonder: what exactly do I do with myself now? It's nearly 9:30, and since I have to get up for work in the morning, I'm not about to go out with friends (I'm not 21 anymore, that's for sure!) It's too early to go to bed. There's nothing I really want to watch on television. So, I'm blogging.

I'm glad that they'll be back tomorrow night, hopefully when I get home from work, because honestly, the quiet is creeping me out!

So, parents, when was the last time that YOU were alone in your house?

March Break

Here we go again: another school holiday. Teachers everywhere celebrate! Parents who can afford to actually GO somewhere (like my friends who go on a cruise every year!) are looking forward to time off from work. The rest of us parents shudder to think how we will entertain our kids during one of the most BLAH months of the year. Playdates? Excursions (preferably free ones)? Way too much television and computer time? Praying that Grandma and Grandpa want some quality time?

There are pros, of course. Sleeping in sounds awfully good right about now. Although Dad will still have to get up for work, it's quite likely that after a day or two my kids will crash and actually start sleeping past 7am. It's good for me, because I don't have to get up so early, and good for their sleep-starved bodies to get some rest. I also had the giddy thought earlier tonight as I was loading the dishwasher that I don't need to make a single school lunch for the next 9 days! And I even remembered to unpack the lunchbags so that there's no nasty surprises next Sunday night!

Hopefully we can also manage to spend some quality time together this next week without any bloodshed. There's a doctor's appointment on Thursday morning, but other than that, our time is our own. If the weather is nice maybe I'll be brave and venture to the park. If the temperature stays up where it's been, they can play outside in the backyard, and maybe we'll even drag out their bikes a bit. Hopefully we'll also manage a few playdates that just seem too much to handle in weeks that are already packed with school and activities. My oldest has a few friends from our old neighbourhood that she seems to only have time to see at birthdays and on holidays.

Still, by next Sunday night I expect I'll be doing a little dance of joy around 9pm. That is, if I have any energy left after all of that "quality time."

Hats Off to the Single Parents Out There!

My husband had a business trip this week. In all fairness, it's been a LONG time since he had to go to one of these conferences, but still, I'm not fond of them. It's part of his job, so I realize I have to expect it on occasion, though. I have to admit, this one was badly timed, though (not his fault, but...)

First of all, he had to leave on Family Day, the new Ontario statutory holiday that was instituted the year we were living in the US. I always forget about it until a few weeks before it happens, and then it's like a happy surprise: we get a long weekend! Of course, I'm at home, so a long weekend for me just means an extra day with no one at school, but it also USUALLY means an extra set of hands for one more day. Plus, since we've been back in Ontario we really have tried to use Family Day as a FAMILY day. No Family Day for us this year.

Then, last Thursday, my younger daughter came down with a stomach bug. Uh oh. I've discussed "the family pandemic" before. I was just waiting for the dominoes to fall. Sure enough, Saturday night the baby started vomiting, and Charlotte was still suffering from diarrhea. By this time I'm now picturing my husband vomiting his way across North America at 10,000 feet, and me here, spending the week with four sick kids and me throwing up all over the place, too.

So far, that hasn't happened. It seems to have only affected those two members of the family, although the baby is still fighting it off (which made for a really fun morning when he woke up with a blow-out diaper all over the inside of his sleeper.) Still, it's been a long week. Even though Daddy often doesn't get home until bath/bed time, it's still an extra set of hands at the most chaotic time of the day. It's also just that few hours in the evening with another adult. There are a lot of times where I can go the entire day and never actually interact with another adult for more than a few seconds at the grocery store/gymnastics class/library until he comes home.

My mom was a single mom. Although there was only me, I never underestimate how hard that must have been. You just don't get a break. Even though as a SAHM it's easy to think that you never get time to yourself, it's only until you're completely by yourself and outnumbered that you realize just how much of a 24/7 job it really is.

Daddy comes home tonight. I'm just praying that all five of us survive until then! Only about thirteen more hours... not that I'm counting or anything.

Making Time for Mom (or Dad)

You see it everywhere: new moms and dads are reminded to “have a date night” or “take a bubble bath” or go out with friends. Every parenting book, magazine and website say the same thing. You want to take time for yourself so that you can be a better parent in the end. Have that date night with Dad so that you don't forget who you were BEFORE kids.

It all sounds wonderful, in theory. In reality it's not always so easy. As kids get older, they have activities, which tend to multiply. So your evenings and weekends seem to disappear before they even begin. Chances are you have things that occupy your “free” time, too, like volunteer work with your kids' school or church. While rewarding, it's still not really “me” time.

Even when you're part of a co-parenting team (I make no assumptions!) it's not so easy to get time by yourself. The bubble bath idea is probably the most laughable to me. I enjoy a good bubble bath now and then, don't get me wrong, but it happens about once or twice a year, if that. If the kids are awake, the possibility of me even peeing without accompaniment is next to none. I can only imagine me trying to take a relaxing bubble bath while Emma came in to tell me something she “forgot” about her homework, Charlotte coming in to ask me to watch her “big jump” or Andrew to whine about Emma or Charlotte bugging him. It's also quite possible that my husband would come in to find out whether I've given the baby his medicine (don't get me started on the topic of infant reflux right now...) or what he's supposed to make for dinner. Either that, or I'll be listening to him yelling from downstairs, “Your mother is trying to have a bath! Stop yelling!”

Once a month I do go out with a group of moms to a restaurant where we just sit and talk for a couple of hours. It is honestly my favourite part of the month, so rare is the chance for me to talk to adults other than my immediate family members.

It's not easy, though. I've been on both sides of the SAHM/WOHM conundrum, which is why I'm convinced that neither way is “better”. As a SAHM I work 24/7. There are no sick days, no vacation days, no statutory holidays. I adore my kids, but I'm so excited to leave the house without kids once in a while that it's really a little bit pathetic. Going to the grocery store by myself leaves me practically giddy. So time with adult friends is absolutely essential to my brain-cell retention.

That being said, as a WOHP (I'm including dads in this, since the majority still WOH) you still work 24/7, but now it's at two jobs. You get up, try and cram in some morning time with your kids (if you're lucky) and head off on your commute (which if you live in this area can be anywhere from 45 minutes to two hours each way). You get to work, try and cram in as much work as you can as fast as you can to avoid the dreaded overtime, make the commute back, and then as soon as you walk in the door you're at job #2. Kids are running screaming to see you, you have to try and gobble down your dinner in order to get the bath/story/bedtime routine going and you're still inwardly fuming over the idiot who messed up your day at work. The last thing that you want to have happen is for your co-parent to say “Hi, welcome home, I'm outta here!”

Date Night is probably the most elusive of all the me times in parenting. If it's hard to get a night for ONE of you to go out, it's a downright herculean task for both of you to go out at once sans children (see? I'm bilingual, too!) You may be lucky enough to have family around who are willing to babysit, but all but the most devoted grandparents don't want to be on call ALL the time, and it's not that common anymore for grown children to live down the street from their parents. Very few of my friends live in the same city as their parents.

Adult friends aren't always the answer, either. They either have families of their own and are just as busy as you are or they don't have kids and you suspect that they're not all that fond of being on-call sitters.

So then you're left with finding the hard-to-find teenage babysitter. Personally I've never had much luck with this option. I either find they're too young, or if they're older, they have “real” part-time jobs that limit their availability. Then there's the issue of having to PAY for a babysitter. Say you want to go to a movie. You're looking at $20 for tickets (if you're lucky), another $20-30 for snacks and then the sitter wants $5 per hour, and sometimes that's PER kid. In my case, to go to a two-hour movie, plus time back and forth I'd be looking at over $100 for a few hours out.

And then we'll end up spending the whole time talking about the kids anyway.

ME: “Did you sign C's permission form?”

HIM: “What permission form?”

ME: “For her field trip.”

HIM: “That wasn't her field trip, that was E's.”

ME: “No, not THAT field trip. That was to the museum. This one is to the apple orchard.”

HIM: “I didn't see that one.”

ME: “It was right on the fridge.”

HIM: “Where on the fridge?”

ME: “Beside A's painting of a yak that he did at nursery school.”

HIM: “That was a yak?”

ME: “Well, that's what he told me. Either that or a pumpkin. I'm not sure.”

HIM: “I thought we weren't going to talk about the kids tonight.”

ME: “Okay. We won't talk about the kids. Did you see the latest episode of Hannah Montana?”

So, to all those parenting experts who want us to experience life without our kids, I applaud the idea, but when are YOU coming over to babysit?

I thought so. Sorry Honey, date night will have to wait another 18 years or so.