You Don't Know What You Think You Know

I love Twitter. I have become an absolute Tweetaholic. It reminds me of when I first "met" a lot of moms on the BabyCenter message boards. It also gives me an outlet for my obsession with a certain boy band, but that's another article for a different blog!

On Twitter, I'm now following probably over 150 other parents, and what's great is there are just as many of them that have parenting philosophies radically different from mine as there are who think in a similar way to me. I know that when I log on, I'm going to laugh knowingly, be angry in solidarity, be challenged and sometimes made downright angry. Many, if not all of these parents are bloggers as well, and I try to read as many articles as I reasonably can.

So it wasn't unusual for me to click a link in a post about a week ago. What was unusual, for me, was what happened next. I saw a blog that I hadn't seen before. The person who "tweeted" the link was a 17-year-old teen mom. Up until then I'd been pretty impressed with her. She'd obviously taken her job as a mom very seriously and was very devoted to her son. I knew she had some pretty strong opinions, but I'm not against people being opinionated, so it was all right.

At least, until she posted this link. It wasn't her own blog. It was the blog of a mom who had adopted a little girl after a long battle with infertility, only to then get pregnant and have another little girl. The two girls were five months apart in age. This particular blog entry was about her "sleep training" the two girls. She apparently brought in a professional to help get the girls to sleep through the night.

I'm not going to get into my opinions on the infamous "cry it out" (CIO) approach. That's not the point of this. What I was shocked by were her comments to this mom, and how proud she was of them. She was outright rude and MEAN. For example:

If you couldn't stand not sleeping then you shouldnt of adopted or tried so dam hard to have a baby. I am a teen mom and I even no better than to let my son cry his brains out. Keep your promise to the birth mother and take care of that child. Dont let the poor baby feel like it has no body.

 And after the mom responded to her hateful comments, she replied with:

its sad how you adopt a child but cannot make sure that child gets the absolute best. isnt that why the child was up for adoption? to get the very best? you seem to be uncomfortable with knowing your adoptive child is adopted. Maybe thats why you take it out on your own child and let her cry for 2 hours? sleep schedules only work because that baby learns that no one is coming. babies dont know time. 20 minutes to them is forever.
no bottles? no boobie? dont you go to sleep with some kind of comfort? but your child has to go to sleep all by herself with nothing to comfort them? horrible.

 I couldn't just let it go. Despite being quite opinionated myself, I try very hard not to personally attack anyone over their beliefs. So I responded to her, both on the blog, and on Twitter. She and I ended up in quite a fight that day.

She kept telling me that no matter what, her opinions will never change, and she will never think that she was wrong. She told me that judgement was a part of life. She said that "everyone is rude. it's human nature."

And so, now that I've had time to cool down from that "conversation", here is my response.

An Open Letter to All Parents

Dear Mom and/or Dad:

We all have opinions. Some of us are stronger in our convictions than others. Some parents read everything they can get their hands on, all of the newest research, before making any decisions. Some go mostly by instinct. The vast majority of parents are doing the very best that they can, given their family situation, their mental and physical health and that of their children, their finances, their education... There are just so many factors in our personal parenting philosophy.

But smart parents know one thing: when it comes right down to it, we KNOW very little. We estimate, we guess, we hope, but we DON'T KNOW. One expert says that CIO is child abuse, another says that science shows it not to be as cruel as it may seem. Breastfeeding raises IQs and increases overall health, so obviously formula babies are going to be stupid and sick? Nursing in public is rude and gross, or it's completely natural. Babies should be worn or held as much as possible, or it's okay for them to cry once in a while, so that mom can make dinner or do something for one of her other children.

We make decisions every minute of every day, and whether we like to admit it or not, we make judgements about other parents based on our own personal philosophy.

Those judgements, though, except in extreme cases, should be kept private. There is no honour in being "right." You will not get a parenting medal. Just like the fact that no one will give you awards for having a "natural" childbirth versus opting for an epidural, no one will laud you for suffering through years of a child who wakes up every hour, rather than trying to help them learn to sleep.

We do what we can, as parents, and for most of us, it's an ever-changing experience. In my post Things I Used to Judge Other Moms for Until I had More than One Kid I talked about how much my thinking had changed on a lot of issues since I had my first "perfect" baby. You see things a lot differently when you have two or three (or four or more) CHILDREN running around, than you do when you have one sleeping angel in an infant carrier. You change and mature as you get older, no matter how old you were when you first became "Mom" or "Dad."

I feel sorry for anyone who thinks they know it all: there is so much to learn in this world, and you're missing out on it because you already "know" so you don't need to listen to anyone else.

It's great that you're confident in your parenting. I wish we could all feel like that. Truly, though, when I see someone lash out at someone else's decision-making as a parent, I see someone who doesn't feel nearly as confident as they want the world to believe.

Judging others may be "a part of life", but emotional attacks don't have to be.

PS - You can follow me on Twitter @8thCyn

Guest Post: The Wonder That is Laurie Berkner

Have you guys heard of Laurie Berkner? She's absolutely fantabulous with childrens songs! A long time ago, when there was only Tony & Grace...and autism, they would zone out in front of the TV for hours at a time, not interacting (with Blues Clues for goodness sake! How can you NOT talk to Blue & Steve?) in any way... just little zombies. I would sit with them and try to get them to talk back to the TV but... nothing. It used to make me sad to see them sitting (or laying) there, just staring at a show that was supposed to be interactive. I had a ton of sing along videos that I just knew they would love, but they got the same reaction. Staring and zombie faces. I would put fabulous childrens music on the CD player. Again... nothing. No reactions. Then one day, someone told me about Laurie Berkner and we bought a CD with a bonus DVD.

That day is etched in my mind forever. Tony & Grace sitting on the couch in their usual position, I put in the Laurie Berkner DVD and UP THEY BOUNCED, dancing and playing and laughing and all the reaction you expect out of children when music is involved. I joined right in of course and we stomped around like dinosaurs, we wore pigs on our head, we had songs in our tummy, and we sat under a shady tree. It still brings tears to my eyes to remember the looks on their faces, the interaction we had that day over music. THAT was a good day.

We, like any good parent, went out immediately and bought every one of her CDs. We played them constantly and Daddy and I memorized them all in no time. When I was lonely for my children to come away from their perservation, or spinning or whatever they were stuck in, I would sing Laurie Berkner songs and sometimes they would join me in play.

It's funny, we moved recently and those CDs were rediscovered. Daddy put them in the player the other day and everyone started singing. They aren't new to Kate but we hadn't listened in a long time so she had forgotten them, but not the other two. They immediately started kicking their legs and singing at the tops of their lungs, faces shining, eyes lit up with delight. What a joy it has been to revisit something so precious!

And yes, in case you're wondering, we've listened to them so much in the last two days that Kate now has a few of them memorized. She was singing them to our doctor tonight during allergy treatments. And then she sang them to the next innocent bystander (patient) who walked in behind us.

Ah, I love Laurie. :D
 
Wonder Woman... sorta, is a military wife & homeschooling mom of three children recovered from autism. She used biomedical methods and extreme dietary interventions to achieve recovery. Although no longer meeting the criteria for autism, there are still issues to be dealt with so each day is an adventure! Wonder Woman...sorta, does not wear star spangled undies. You can find her blog, Autism Recovered, here.

Some Adults Should Be Seen and Not Heard

Ahhh... the supermodel: vessel of female perfection in all of her glory. Don't we all just LOVE them?

And don't we all just LOVE how they're back on the catwalk mere weeks after giving birth?

And most especially, don't we just LOVE how after one child, they're suddenly an expert on EVERYTHING to do with parenting?

To Gisele Bundchen: Climbing Up the Slide would like to officially tell you to SHUT YOUR TRAP!

Now, this is not normally like me. For the most part, I want us all to parent the way that we feel is best, be free to do what works for our families, and to live and let live.

In this case, I feel that I am allowed to be a little less "Kum by ya" about the whole thing.

Gisele Bundchen, famous for parading around in teeny scraps of cloth, is now an expert on labour, childbirth and breastfeeding. She had a natural home-birth. Bully for her. If that's your thing, by all means, you should do it! I have no issues here, except that she's rather smug about it. Still...

It's her opinion on breastfeeding that has me seeing red: "I think breastfeeding really helped [her to regain her stick figure]. Some people here think they don't have to breastfeed, and I think, 'Are you going to give chemical food to your child, when they are so little?'

"There should be a worldwide law, in my opinion, that mothers should breastfeed their babies for six months."

WHA-HUH???

Gisele, sweetheart, HUSH! When did women become slaves? When did we lose the right to CHOOSE how to be a mother? What exactly would be the penalty for breaking such a law? Hard labour? (Oh, I crack myself up sometimes - get it? Hard LABOUR???)

Should women breastfeed if it's possible? Yes, sure. We've ALL heard that it's best, ad nauseum, but some women just plain aren't able to, for physical or emotional reasons. I have seen many moms with PPD who stop out of frustration and depression that things aren't going along swimmingly for them. Should they be thrown in jail? Have their children taken away? Forced to live in a depressed state, hating themselves and their babies because of depression?

Maybe I shouldn't have been allowed to have kids, since I had a breast reduction and was only able to produce a fraction of the breast milk that my children needed to, you know, live and all.

Don't get me wrong: I am glad that the pendulum is swinging back towards breast is best, but sometimes as a parent, second-best isn't so bad, either. If there is any mom (or dad) out there who ALWAYS does the best thing for their child, I'd like to meet them and bow down at their self-righteous feet, because every parent that I know does the best thing as often as they can, but sometimes just has to settle for second- (or third-) best. We are people, too, and having a child doesn't change our right to do what's best for US, as well. We just have to figure out who "wins" at any given time when what's best for them, and what's best for us, is different.

So back to Gisele: I say, go back to standing around in your underwear. At least in print ads we don't have to listen to you.