I've been "Mom" since just before I turned 25. Before then, being alone in the house was never a big deal. I grew up with just my mom, so I was used to solitude. Our house was a very quiet one, even when both of us were there, but the older I got in my teens, the less often that happened anyway.
The last summer before I went to university, my grandfather was dying and my mom basically moved in to his apartment to take care of him. I stayed home, working at my summer job.
My husband and I were married for almost four years before our oldest joined the family. Although we were together a lot, there were occasions when one of us was out for a while.
It's something you take for granted, before you have kids. The ability to just BE. No one asking you to do anything. No one complaining over what you watch on television. You can listen to whatever music you want. You can sit and read a book and no one interrupts.
Tonight, for the first time in a long time, I am in the house... ALONE. My husband and kids are spending the night at his parents' place on the lake, visiting with our nephews who are here for a few weeks. Because I have to work tomorrow, it just made more sense for me to not join them. And so I'm here. In the house. By myself.
I actually went to the gym straight after work, and did a good, long workout, feeling absolutely no guilt about not being home to help out, because there was no one at home waiting for me. Then I came home, ate my dinner, such as it was, and watched television while playing online. All at a time when normally I'd be begging my three-year-old to stay in his bed.
But now I'm starting to wonder: what exactly do I do with myself now? It's nearly 9:30, and since I have to get up for work in the morning, I'm not about to go out with friends (I'm not 21 anymore, that's for sure!) It's too early to go to bed. There's nothing I really want to watch on television. So, I'm blogging.
I'm glad that they'll be back tomorrow night, hopefully when I get home from work, because honestly, the quiet is creeping me out!
So, parents, when was the last time that YOU were alone in your house?
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
"The Breeders" vs. "The Child-Free": What's the Point?
I've mentioned before my loathing of The Mommy Wars. My new issue, though, is with the war between parents and non-parents (AKA The Breeders vs The Child-Free-by-Choice). It amazes me how much antagonism there is between the two "sides." I was reading a blog entry by Ann Douglas and I saw yet again the comments from the CFBC side, stating that people shouldn't have kids if they're not prepared to a) pay for everything themselves with no help from anyone, ever and b) ever leave the house to go somewhere "grown-up" with their kids, lest someone's else's evening be ruined by the mere presence of a child.
This was not a nice, intelligent debate about whether children should be allowed in restaurants, or whether governments should supply financial assistance to families. This was nasty. This was spewing hate right off the screen and into my lap while I read.
I can accept that some people simply don't wish to have children. As a matter of fact, if you truly don't want, or even LIKE children, I'd politely ask that you refrain from procreation, for the sake of your potential child(ren) and everyone in society who will, in future, have to deal with their psychological issues because Mommy and/or Daddy didn't "want me."
However, if you don't wish to have children, I would think that it would be in your best interest to support those who do. I'm not referring to you handing over half of your salary each week to supply my kids with McDonalds' toys and Pokemon cards; I simply mean, be good to those who do have children.
Have patience with children in places that you might not normally see them, because those children are learning - sometimes slowly - how to behave in adult situations.
Don't be rude about babies and children on airplanes: they're travelling, and learning about the world around them so that someday they will have an understanding of people and places far away.
Don't throw a fit over government assistance to families. Yes, we chose to have children, but it's an expensive proposition, and we already give up more than you think for the priviledge of raising children. Unexpected things happen to everyone, and not everyone can always be prepared for any eventuality.
Don't complain over education taxes: you went through the education system once, and the children who are going through it today are the ones who will be the politicians making decisions, the lawyers working in the justice system, and the doctors who save your life someday. The children you complain about today could turn out to be the nurse who looks after you in the retirement home, when you have no children or grandchildren to come and visit you. The children you complain about today will someday be taxpaying, contributing members of the society who look after you, when you're not able to look after yourself.
So is a little compassion for those children really too much to ask?
This was not a nice, intelligent debate about whether children should be allowed in restaurants, or whether governments should supply financial assistance to families. This was nasty. This was spewing hate right off the screen and into my lap while I read.
I can accept that some people simply don't wish to have children. As a matter of fact, if you truly don't want, or even LIKE children, I'd politely ask that you refrain from procreation, for the sake of your potential child(ren) and everyone in society who will, in future, have to deal with their psychological issues because Mommy and/or Daddy didn't "want me."
However, if you don't wish to have children, I would think that it would be in your best interest to support those who do. I'm not referring to you handing over half of your salary each week to supply my kids with McDonalds' toys and Pokemon cards; I simply mean, be good to those who do have children.
Have patience with children in places that you might not normally see them, because those children are learning - sometimes slowly - how to behave in adult situations.
Don't be rude about babies and children on airplanes: they're travelling, and learning about the world around them so that someday they will have an understanding of people and places far away.
Don't throw a fit over government assistance to families. Yes, we chose to have children, but it's an expensive proposition, and we already give up more than you think for the priviledge of raising children. Unexpected things happen to everyone, and not everyone can always be prepared for any eventuality.
Don't complain over education taxes: you went through the education system once, and the children who are going through it today are the ones who will be the politicians making decisions, the lawyers working in the justice system, and the doctors who save your life someday. The children you complain about today could turn out to be the nurse who looks after you in the retirement home, when you have no children or grandchildren to come and visit you. The children you complain about today will someday be taxpaying, contributing members of the society who look after you, when you're not able to look after yourself.
So is a little compassion for those children really too much to ask?
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Guest Blog: A Child, Not a Diagnosis
"Oh, your son is Autistic?”
“No, E is our son. He has Autism.”
It’s amazing to think that even though we’re only a few months into the ASD journey, I’m learning a lot. Strangely, a lot of it is not about him necessarily, but how the world interacts with him and how others view him. Take the opening sentence for example. At first glace, it seems odd. Why would someone correct that? Well, let’s break it down: when you use the phrase "your son is Autistic" it makes it sound like he is Autism. There is no child behind the word "Autistic" because his diagnosis is more important than the child himself. Then you look at the second sentence: "E is my son. He has Autism." E is the most important part of that. Not the Autism. It’s a distant second (or third or greater) to the child he is.
Think of it this way: if you were to introduce someone who is undergoing radiation treatment for breast cancer, would you introduce them as ‘Jane the Cancerous’? Absolutely not. So why is it okay for someone to say ‘E, the Autistic’?
There is also a lot of misconception about children who have autism, their parents, and how the child was raised. I recently was having a conversation with someone who had no idea that we had just been given the diagnosis of Autism.
“We then found out that this boy, who is 10 years old, is Autistic – I mean, he’s high-functioning Autistic, but some things make sense now. She (the mother) said that she didn’t drink during pregnancy, but I’m not so sure.”
I can’t begin to tell you how hurtful that comment was. I can’t tell you how much I wanted to set her straight. I can’t tell you how much damage she is doing to everyone around her who even believes one word of what she said about why that innocent little boy has Autism. And I certainly can’t tell you how much it’s stuck with me. I can’t remember anything else we talked about that night. But I do remember that. I remember the way it felt, and I remember the way it hurt.
E is my son. He is a very happy boy. He loves cars, he loves Backyardigans and Dora, he loves to read books, he loves water and playground slides. His smile can light up a room and there is no doubt when he gets excited about something. Yes, he has Autism. But it’s only a part of him and does not completely define who he is. Yes, some things are harder for him. Speaking is something he is far behind other children his age. Because of the Autism, he has a hard time with verbal communication. But it just makes every little verbal accomplishment seem so much greater to us. This past weekend, he used the word ‘Mama’. Twice. IN CONTEXT. I couldn’t believe it. I’ve been waiting SO LONG to hear that.
End of this month will be his second birthday. And there will be many more before the social stigma of Autism and the negativity surrounding it will be altered. But, as with everything, it starts with a small change in perception. Separating the person from the diagnosis. Seeing the child, within.
Janice is a quirky, working Mom of an active toddler (but then again, what toddler isn't active?). In her spare time, she loves to window shop for shoes she can't afford, belt out showtunes while driving, dreams of a house that never gets messy, and of course read her son his favorite book "I Love You Through and Through". She lives in Brooklin, Ontario with her fiancée.
“No, E is our son. He has Autism.”
It’s amazing to think that even though we’re only a few months into the ASD journey, I’m learning a lot. Strangely, a lot of it is not about him necessarily, but how the world interacts with him and how others view him. Take the opening sentence for example. At first glace, it seems odd. Why would someone correct that? Well, let’s break it down: when you use the phrase "your son is Autistic" it makes it sound like he is Autism. There is no child behind the word "Autistic" because his diagnosis is more important than the child himself. Then you look at the second sentence: "E is my son. He has Autism." E is the most important part of that. Not the Autism. It’s a distant second (or third or greater) to the child he is.
Think of it this way: if you were to introduce someone who is undergoing radiation treatment for breast cancer, would you introduce them as ‘Jane the Cancerous’? Absolutely not. So why is it okay for someone to say ‘E, the Autistic’?
There is also a lot of misconception about children who have autism, their parents, and how the child was raised. I recently was having a conversation with someone who had no idea that we had just been given the diagnosis of Autism.
“We then found out that this boy, who is 10 years old, is Autistic – I mean, he’s high-functioning Autistic, but some things make sense now. She (the mother) said that she didn’t drink during pregnancy, but I’m not so sure.”
I can’t begin to tell you how hurtful that comment was. I can’t tell you how much I wanted to set her straight. I can’t tell you how much damage she is doing to everyone around her who even believes one word of what she said about why that innocent little boy has Autism. And I certainly can’t tell you how much it’s stuck with me. I can’t remember anything else we talked about that night. But I do remember that. I remember the way it felt, and I remember the way it hurt.
E is my son. He is a very happy boy. He loves cars, he loves Backyardigans and Dora, he loves to read books, he loves water and playground slides. His smile can light up a room and there is no doubt when he gets excited about something. Yes, he has Autism. But it’s only a part of him and does not completely define who he is. Yes, some things are harder for him. Speaking is something he is far behind other children his age. Because of the Autism, he has a hard time with verbal communication. But it just makes every little verbal accomplishment seem so much greater to us. This past weekend, he used the word ‘Mama’. Twice. IN CONTEXT. I couldn’t believe it. I’ve been waiting SO LONG to hear that.
End of this month will be his second birthday. And there will be many more before the social stigma of Autism and the negativity surrounding it will be altered. But, as with everything, it starts with a small change in perception. Separating the person from the diagnosis. Seeing the child, within.
Janice is a quirky, working Mom of an active toddler (but then again, what toddler isn't active?). In her spare time, she loves to window shop for shoes she can't afford, belt out showtunes while driving, dreams of a house that never gets messy, and of course read her son his favorite book "I Love You Through and Through". She lives in Brooklin, Ontario with her fiancée.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Trading Places
Like a lot of people in this economic climate, my husband is out of work right now. Since a family of six can't exactly survive on EI alone, I have gone back to work. It's the first time since about July of 2006, one month or so before A was born, that I have "worked".
So now, my husband is a stay-at-home dad. It's only a temporary situation, we know, but it's been quite the transition. Even having both of us at home 24/7 was rather stressful, because the kids and I had our routines down, and having an extra person around who usually was allowed to make decisions all on his own just plain threw me for a loop. It went from Mommy making all of the decisions for most of the day to having that tightrope to walk where Mommy has to check with Daddy to be sure that Child B hasn't already asked, not liked the response and gone to the other parent, and vice-versa. One parent starts to question the other: "Why are you giving him a bottle now? He isn't going to be yet!" or "How long until naptime? HOW long???" or "Are you really going to let her go out with her shoes on the wrong feet?" Let's face facts: during the day, there can only be one Queen Bee (or King of the Hill, as may be the case.)
However, as much of a transition as that was, having me in the outside world while Dad is at home has been even more of a shock to the finely-tuned machine that is our family (ha!) Things that were second-nature to me are not so much to Dad. As involved as he's always been at child-rearing, and as much time as he's spent alone with the kids, 24/7 is different. It doesn't help that everyone seems to have an opinion, or a joke, about a stay-at-home dad, and while it's all in good fun, it can be hurtful after a while. Even though the SAHD isn't the "norm", shouldn't we be encouraging dads who DO take a hands-on approach to parenting? It ain't an easy job, and anyone who takes it on should be applauded, in my books.
The other thing about our trade, is that we're both getting a chance to see things from the other's perspective. I know how helpless you feel when hearing the frustration of the day getting to the one at home, and you can't do anything to help. I know how you're torn between being tired at the end of the day, and just wanting to get in every possible second that you can with your kids before they're off to bed. Last night as I was putting C to bed, she said to me, "Why did you say 'See you tomorrow'? Because you have to go to work tomorrow." It nearly broke my heart as I explained that I would see her tomorrow, just tomorrow night. It never seems like enough time.
There are so many debates over who has it harder: the parent at work, or the parent at home. Even just among moms it becomes a fight for your own honour sometimes, to say that you have the harder job. Truth is, parenting is a messy, dirty job, and no one has it easy (unless maybe you're "parenting" a Betsy Wetsy doll or something) but it never hurts to get a little perspective on just how good you have it, because no matter what, we ARE the lucky ones, too.
So now, my husband is a stay-at-home dad. It's only a temporary situation, we know, but it's been quite the transition. Even having both of us at home 24/7 was rather stressful, because the kids and I had our routines down, and having an extra person around who usually was allowed to make decisions all on his own just plain threw me for a loop. It went from Mommy making all of the decisions for most of the day to having that tightrope to walk where Mommy has to check with Daddy to be sure that Child B hasn't already asked, not liked the response and gone to the other parent, and vice-versa. One parent starts to question the other: "Why are you giving him a bottle now? He isn't going to be yet!" or "How long until naptime? HOW long???" or "Are you really going to let her go out with her shoes on the wrong feet?" Let's face facts: during the day, there can only be one Queen Bee (or King of the Hill, as may be the case.)
However, as much of a transition as that was, having me in the outside world while Dad is at home has been even more of a shock to the finely-tuned machine that is our family (ha!) Things that were second-nature to me are not so much to Dad. As involved as he's always been at child-rearing, and as much time as he's spent alone with the kids, 24/7 is different. It doesn't help that everyone seems to have an opinion, or a joke, about a stay-at-home dad, and while it's all in good fun, it can be hurtful after a while. Even though the SAHD isn't the "norm", shouldn't we be encouraging dads who DO take a hands-on approach to parenting? It ain't an easy job, and anyone who takes it on should be applauded, in my books.
The other thing about our trade, is that we're both getting a chance to see things from the other's perspective. I know how helpless you feel when hearing the frustration of the day getting to the one at home, and you can't do anything to help. I know how you're torn between being tired at the end of the day, and just wanting to get in every possible second that you can with your kids before they're off to bed. Last night as I was putting C to bed, she said to me, "Why did you say 'See you tomorrow'? Because you have to go to work tomorrow." It nearly broke my heart as I explained that I would see her tomorrow, just tomorrow night. It never seems like enough time.
There are so many debates over who has it harder: the parent at work, or the parent at home. Even just among moms it becomes a fight for your own honour sometimes, to say that you have the harder job. Truth is, parenting is a messy, dirty job, and no one has it easy (unless maybe you're "parenting" a Betsy Wetsy doll or something) but it never hurts to get a little perspective on just how good you have it, because no matter what, we ARE the lucky ones, too.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Guest Blog: A Parent's Worst Nightmare
Reality teaches us that illness knows no age, and the recent 2010 Annual Report of the Heart and Stroke Foundation – “A Perfect Storm” – highlights how this statement is becoming more and more accurate as each year passes. All parents, myself included, would rather believe that our own children are immune, and that there is no way that one day they could be stricken by a severe illness or condition.
But what if, God forbid, it did happen? Would you have the resources to remain at bedside with him or her during a long period of convalescence? We’ve all seen the posted notices or heard the radio ads for the neighbourhood barbeque or yard sale being put together by loved ones for a family trying to come up with the means to see their little one through the unfair and unforgiving plight of some significant disease or accident.
One ray of hope for parents in Canada today is that, although we cannot eliminate the incidence of these various conditions, there may be a means for your family to eliminate, or at least plan for, the immense financial considerations that accompany such a situation – RISK FREE. A suitable critical illness insurance policy could provide a family with a diagnosed child a tax-free lump sum benefit that could be used to:
As can be expected, the illnesses and conditions covered, the premiums payable, and any additional benefits (such as the Return of Premium) will vary greatly from company to company, so BE SURE that you completely understand what your options are. Rest assured, however, that there are some fabulous children’s critical illness policies available at a reasonable cost – many of which will also include additional support such as free access to Best Doctors services.
The tragedy associated with this ‘ray of sunshine’, unfortunately, continues to be the clouds of ignorance that surround it. Far too many Canadian families do not even realize that this type of solution even exists. Far too few advisors are taking the time to introduce and properly explain it to their clients. And far too many parents are shouldering these immense risks on their own, when they could be transferring them to large insurance companies that can afford to take them.
After successfully launching his career as a Financial Advisor with Sun Life Financial, Will is extremely pleased to now be positioned to serve his clients as part of the Marlin Financial team. Will is an active member, patron, and sponsor of the arts community - having served in the past on the Board of Directors of Theatre Kingston, Domino Theatre and the Kingston Arts Council. Will can be reached via email at will@marlinfinancial.ca or by phone at (613) 354-9678.
This article is provided for information purposes only, and should not be considered to be legal or financial advice. For further information and recommendations suited to you and your family, please consult your financial advisor.
But what if, God forbid, it did happen? Would you have the resources to remain at bedside with him or her during a long period of convalescence? We’ve all seen the posted notices or heard the radio ads for the neighbourhood barbeque or yard sale being put together by loved ones for a family trying to come up with the means to see their little one through the unfair and unforgiving plight of some significant disease or accident.
One ray of hope for parents in Canada today is that, although we cannot eliminate the incidence of these various conditions, there may be a means for your family to eliminate, or at least plan for, the immense financial considerations that accompany such a situation – RISK FREE. A suitable critical illness insurance policy could provide a family with a diagnosed child a tax-free lump sum benefit that could be used to:
- Give you the financial means to temporarily leave your job and devote yourself to your child’s recovery
- Defray the costs of drugs or treatments not covered by the government, or in a private clinic
- Cover expenses from care in a specialized hospital far from home
- Hire a temporary helper for children at home or to pay additional childcare fees
- Eliminate financial worries often linked to illness and convalescence
- And most importantly, allow you to focus your energies on your child, because the presence of a parent at the bedside of a sick child can have a large influence on his recovery
As can be expected, the illnesses and conditions covered, the premiums payable, and any additional benefits (such as the Return of Premium) will vary greatly from company to company, so BE SURE that you completely understand what your options are. Rest assured, however, that there are some fabulous children’s critical illness policies available at a reasonable cost – many of which will also include additional support such as free access to Best Doctors services.
The tragedy associated with this ‘ray of sunshine’, unfortunately, continues to be the clouds of ignorance that surround it. Far too many Canadian families do not even realize that this type of solution even exists. Far too few advisors are taking the time to introduce and properly explain it to their clients. And far too many parents are shouldering these immense risks on their own, when they could be transferring them to large insurance companies that can afford to take them.
After successfully launching his career as a Financial Advisor with Sun Life Financial, Will is extremely pleased to now be positioned to serve his clients as part of the Marlin Financial team. Will is an active member, patron, and sponsor of the arts community - having served in the past on the Board of Directors of Theatre Kingston, Domino Theatre and the Kingston Arts Council. Will can be reached via email at will@marlinfinancial.ca or by phone at (613) 354-9678.
This article is provided for information purposes only, and should not be considered to be legal or financial advice. For further information and recommendations suited to you and your family, please consult your financial advisor.
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