It all sounds wonderful, in theory. In reality it's not always so easy. As kids get older, they have activities, which tend to multiply. So your evenings and weekends seem to disappear before they even begin. Chances are you have things that occupy your “free” time, too, like volunteer work with your kids' school or church. While rewarding, it's still not really “me” time.
Even when you're part of a co-parenting team (I make no assumptions!) it's not so easy to get time by yourself. The bubble bath idea is probably the most laughable to me. I enjoy a good bubble bath now and then, don't get me wrong, but it happens about once or twice a year, if that. If the kids are awake, the possibility of me even peeing without accompaniment is next to none. I can only imagine me trying to take a relaxing bubble bath while Emma came in to tell me something she “forgot” about her homework, Charlotte coming in to ask me to watch her “big jump” or Andrew to whine about Emma or Charlotte bugging him. It's also quite possible that my husband would come in to find out whether I've given the baby his medicine (don't get me started on the topic of infant reflux right now...) or what he's supposed to make for dinner. Either that, or I'll be listening to him yelling from downstairs, “Your mother is trying to have a bath! Stop yelling!”
Once a month I do go out with a group of moms to a restaurant where we just sit and talk for a couple of hours. It is honestly my favourite part of the month, so rare is the chance for me to talk to adults other than my immediate family members.
It's not easy, though. I've been on both sides of the SAHM/WOHM conundrum, which is why I'm convinced that neither way is “better”. As a SAHM I work 24/7. There are no sick days, no vacation days, no statutory holidays. I adore my kids, but I'm so excited to leave the house without kids once in a while that it's really a little bit pathetic. Going to the grocery store by myself leaves me practically giddy. So time with adult friends is absolutely essential to my brain-cell retention.
That being said, as a WOHP (I'm including dads in this, since the majority still WOH) you still work 24/7, but now it's at two jobs. You get up, try and cram in some morning time with your kids (if you're lucky) and head off on your commute (which if you live in this area can be anywhere from 45 minutes to two hours each way). You get to work, try and cram in as much work as you can as fast as you can to avoid the dreaded overtime, make the commute back, and then as soon as you walk in the door you're at job #2. Kids are running screaming to see you, you have to try and gobble down your dinner in order to get the bath/story/bedtime routine going and you're still inwardly fuming over the idiot who messed up your day at work. The last thing that you want to have happen is for your co-parent to say “Hi, welcome home, I'm outta here!”
Date Night is probably the most elusive of all the me times in parenting. If it's hard to get a night for ONE of you to go out, it's a downright herculean task for both of you to go out at once sans children (see? I'm bilingual, too!) You may be lucky enough to have family around who are willing to babysit, but all but the most devoted grandparents don't want to be on call ALL the time, and it's not that common anymore for grown children to live down the street from their parents. Very few of my friends live in the same city as their parents.
Adult friends aren't always the answer, either. They either have families of their own and are just as busy as you are or they don't have kids and you suspect that they're not all that fond of being on-call sitters.
So then you're left with finding the hard-to-find teenage babysitter. Personally I've never had much luck with this option. I either find they're too young, or if they're older, they have “real” part-time jobs that limit their availability. Then there's the issue of having to PAY for a babysitter. Say you want to go to a movie. You're looking at $20 for tickets (if you're lucky), another $20-30 for snacks and then the sitter wants $5 per hour, and sometimes that's PER kid. In my case, to go to a two-hour movie, plus time back and forth I'd be looking at over $100 for a few hours out.
And then we'll end up spending the whole time talking about the kids anyway.
ME: “Did you sign C's permission form?”
HIM: “What permission form?”
ME: “For her field trip.”
HIM: “That wasn't her field trip, that was E's.”
ME: “No, not THAT field trip. That was to the museum. This one is to the apple orchard.”
HIM: “I didn't see that one.”
ME: “It was right on the fridge.”
HIM: “Where on the fridge?”
ME: “Beside A's painting of a yak that he did at nursery school.”
HIM: “That was a yak?”
ME: “Well, that's what he told me. Either that or a pumpkin. I'm not sure.”
HIM: “I thought we weren't going to talk about the kids tonight.”
ME: “Okay. We won't talk about the kids. Did you see the latest episode of Hannah Montana?”
So, to all those parenting experts who want us to experience life without our kids, I applaud the idea, but when are YOU coming over to babysit?
I thought so. Sorry Honey, date night will have to wait another 18 years or so.
2 comments:
I completely agree! I only have one kid and I can see how hectic it must be for you with four! (Well probably not really see since I'm short three kids and don't REALLY know what it's like, but the intention is there!) :)
My situation is a little different - no better, no worse, just different. We both work and (for the next 41 days - and counting!) live with his Mom. While that may seem like it's a perfect live-in nanny option, it's far from it. Plus, when we do want to go out, we get the "you're going out again?" look from his Mom, which leaves only my Dad as an option as a sitter. To which we sometimes get the "we've been busy and want a quiet night" answer. Funny, that's what I wanted too... ah well...
Eh...I can wait 18 years...I signed up for this roller coaster ride...LOL! But don't expect me to call them by the right names.
Are you sure that was a pumpkin? He told me a yak...Orange coloured yak...
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